This time of year

There is something about this time of year that makes me introspective.  Perhaps it is the end of the year.  Perhaps it is the gathering of family.  Perhaps it is just me getting older.

As I write this, I sit in a house (the only one awake) with 3 of my 4 kids (technically Dawn’s kids, but in my heart they are mine) and my daughter in law.  The fourth will be part of the festivities, she just has her own place close by.

I am quite happy to have driven 13 hours to be part of this gathering.  I am happy to have been a part of creating bonds that allow this gathering.  I am happy that the kids chose to all come together and I am happy that they felt the desire to include me.  I realize that many step parents are not actively included and even more so after the bio-parent dies.

I am a quasi parent that loves these people but also knows they must be their own people, on their own journeys.  My job is to help when I can, to provide overwatch and to advise where appropriate. I must also give them plenty of room to be their own people.  To varying degrees and at various times they succeed and fail.  No different than me.

I am proud of this group for remaining a group and for pulling close in the face of death and familial struggle.  It is a good Christmas.  I am thankful.

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Six Months

For those of you who read this blog (both of you); you know, that I had a relationship  evaporate 6 months ago.  That confounded me and I was given no real reason or closure which tormented me for a month or so, then I gradually worked my way past the recriminations.

My self preservation instinct and sanity usually are pretty good at putting things into perspective and after a point, will stop chewing on the bone.  I mean at some point, all of the bone has been explored and without any new meat, what is the point.

A few days ago, that was ripped open and I realized that I had buried the bone; but apparently only under a very carelessly secured tarp.

A well meaning friend and I went out to lunch.  He and I have regular discussions on personal topics and I know the details of several important things that are going on in his life.  When he mentioned he had some news, I assumed it meant on one of those topics.  He did not.  Before I knew it, that tarp had been ripped away and there was new meat on the bone.  DAMN.

Isn’t life grand.  We will say that tidbit primed the pump.  It certainly brought some raw emotions to the surface.

A few days later, I was working on my Amazon business.  When I am doing the rather mindless aspects of that, I usually listen to Mark Levin podcasts or if I am up to date on those, I will listen to others.  I was all caught up on the normal rotation, so I googled for some items that would play in sort of a jukebox manner.  The various people talked in the background for an hour or so as I did my work.  Much of it was just background noise with it occasionally catching of my attention.  Then my fight or flight reaction kicked in at about 35%.  My fore brain struggled to catch up and isolate the threat.  After a quick glance around the room, voices caught my attention and it sort of sounded like they were approaching my front door.  I focused my attention there; only to realize, the third voice was hers, HERS.

Panic reaction now at 85%.  How can she be at my door?  This isn’t the house she knows.   I blink rapidly, realize no one is at the door.  Then it becomes obvious the voices are coming from my laptop.  I turn in shock and realize, somehow I have tripped over an interview she did on NRA TV.  My stomach has dropped into my intestines.

I sit down horrified and transfixed.  I watch the interview.  She looks good if a little uncomfortable about being complimented on her appearance.  I am biased, but she is gorgeous.  My brain is chiding me for watching the video, it is also screaming you promised you wouldn’t.  My brain is fractured in so many directions.

I should note that I have intentionally NOT made any attempt to research her, any attempt to figure out why or where she moved to.  The last knowledge I had, was the sale of her house a few weeks after breaking up with me.  She made it clear she wanted a “clean break”, whatever that means and that my knowledge of the sale of the house scared her.  I vowed to honor her wishes and have for many months.

Don’t take that as some altruistic gift on my part.  I took the Mike Pence approach.  It is much easier to resist temptation, if there is no temptation.  Also, considering her horrific experience in the past with a FULL ON STALKER / MURDERER, I wanted ZERO hints, suggestions, possibilities that I might be seen in any way, shape or form –like that.

Now my mind is telling me, I have broken that vow.  My brain is yelling at me that I am in possession of forbidden knowledge. If I am it is through no fault of my own and there is no forbidden knowledge.

I am not normally a person who has a distinct fight or flight reaction.  Certainly not one that overrides my thinking brain.  I cannot think of the last time I had a panic reaction.  After the initial surprise, the reaction tempered; but it lasted a full 45 minutes if you include the post adrenaline dump jitters.  I have drawn down on a would be assailant and recovered my equilibrium faster.

To say the least, there are some unresolved issues in my head with the loss of this relationship.  But this happening is a good thing.  I have never been one to intentionally avoid an unresolved issue.  My normal method is that of an emotional Kamikaze.  With this new information, that I didn’t want… with the knowledge that I didn’t deal with this properly the first time… with the knowledge that I still have intense emotions.  I am armed to deal with things properly this go round.

In all likelihood, I will not come to any real peace with the decision.  It was not my decision.  I will likely not be any happier with the outcome, but I can become more accepting to the reality.  Even if that reality is that I still love her, but love requires two consenting parties… and well.

It also showed me that in a community as small as the junction of the Liberty and Gun communities (especially when one of the people has a moderate level of public exposure) there will be intersection.  That may never lead to interaction, which might well be a good thing.  But I need to be prepared and aware of the possibility and certainly need to react better than I did to the surprise of her appearance on my laptop.

It also showed me that if MY reaction is that overwhelming, considering her past experience…I must be extra super cognizant of what her reaction might be.

The “First, do no harm” rule applies.

This sucks on many levels.

Embrace the suck.  That which does not kill you makes you stronger … and all that stuff.

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Las Vegas 2017

My response to the Las Vegas massacre.

“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.”

– Bene Gesserit Litany Against Fear (Dune)

Secondly

“Today, is a good day to die.”

Klingon psychology regarding doing things that might cost your life.
If your life is in order, then you have no fear. If your path crosses death face it boldly and die well. No more can be asked of you. If this is done, they will toast you in Sto’Vo’Kor.

There were many who did exactly that in Las Vegas.
The man who stood up and defiantly shot the shooter the “bird”.
The nurse who scooped his wife forward away from the shooter, shielding her with his own body and dying in the process.
The dozens of police who stood resolutely in the face of the fire, so they could direct others to safer places.
The concert goers who also happened to be nurses, paramedics or just people who acted as such and chose to remain and fight to save others despite the rain of bullets.

This is a tragedy and an act of hatred and evil. But in the darkest of times people are tested and some rise up and beat back evil. On this day of carnage, so many people rose up despite their fear. They chose to live “today is a good day to die” as they helped others have a chance to live.

This is America at its worst, but also at its finest.

Freedom is not free.  The liberty tree was fed blood today.  She was fed the blood of more Patriots than tyrants, but isn’t that always the case.

America.  Do not learn the wrong lesson here.  Freedom has a cost.  Sometimes evil slips in among us and stabs us in the back.  But most of the time, it is what keeps us strong and stops those same forces from dragging us down bodily.  Know this is a desperate attempt to get you to willingly don the shackles of security / slavery out of fear of what some pervert out of freedom.

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A year ago today…

As I take a moment to breathe. My life, my love, my Dawn has left us for the richness of Heaven. My heart screams in triumphant joy at the thought of her meeting Jesus and sitting in the splendor of God’s Kingdom. I know she is being introduced to God’s Army by her Grandfather “Pop”. Her pain has been replaced 1000 fold with JOY. My heart and eyes overflow with tears.

In that same moment, I look into the mirror and see half my soul ripped asunder. That which was so deeply rooted is now gone. My soul cannot but scream for the loss of such an intimate connection. As it keens for the loss of its mate, a faint velvet warmth blossoms. An ethereal kiss I can’t quite touch, but tendrils of my wife caress me with hints of peace and exaltation.

My soul sighs. God has her and I have been given a final gift my love. It will take time, but I sense the faint wisps of the promise of PEACE.
Thank you Dawn Faust Bibby

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To die FREE

I have long stated that I will die free.  As a student of history, of the American Revolution, of the Founding Fathers, of libertarianism; it is not much of a stretch for me to state categorically that my plan is to die free.  In my pre-Dawn days, my statements regarding dying free simply meant: I would die on my feet rather than live on my knees.  My marriage with her expanded the meaning of dying free exponentially.

There are many ways to live which are not “free” some of those we choose of our own free will.  Marriage is a restriction on freedom.  Contractual obligations make you not free, like your mortgage or a job contract.  Hopefully, these restrictions, freely entered into are at worst an even trade of loss of freedom for gain of freedom.

I know in my marriage, the tethering of two souls certainly demanded that I not act in the same way I had when I was single.  On the other hand, it was a gestalt event that freed me of so many burdens and gave those remaining burdens, a second set of shoulders to carry them.  That was quite freeing in ways I am still discovering a year after her death.  In theory, all voluntary contracts that “restrict” freedom should net result actually increase freedom in this or a similar manner.

Some things that were rattling around in my head, jelled when I read this by Sarah Hoyt.

https://accordingtohoyt.com/2017/08/01/what-you-owe/

I also realized that Dawn died free.  It took cancer, a year with a counselor, a fair amount of work in our marriage and many other things to get her there.  Cancer forced her to accept her “tried and true” methods did not work and had brought her to a horrible place.  The year with the counselor helped her understand the mechanisms by which she paid dues that were not rightfully hers and helped her develop a method of discriminating between her legitimate duties and those wrongly demanded by others.

In our marriage, we both worked diligently to grow our love and to assume the obligations of the other.  In doing so, we helped each other be much freer.  It wasn’t always perfect.  We often made mistakes, but even those increased our bond as we learned it was ok to err.  The mistakes forced communication and owning the error, but in doing that, we learned and grew closer.  In seeing they were not catastrophic or love damaging, we became freer to risk more and deepen our love.  Deep love is freeing in ways you can only imagine if you have never been so blessed.

Dawn started out significantly less free than I.  Her childhood experiences, her first marriage led to the erosion of her self, her confidence and her love of self.  Her second marriage was hell on earth.  You can not be free with those burdens.  In her struggle out of the pit cancer created, she confronted each of those demons and battled them.  At first, she lost every battle, but gained knowledge and returned to the fight stronger.  Later she would best the foe, but still be forced to retreat.  By the time she was finished with her radiation treatments, she had won the war.  By then, she was a much freer person than I.  She was helping me to learn from her struggles and victories.  She was teaching me and anyone else who would listen, how to free the mind and soul from the bondage of life’s wrongly learned lessons.

She rebuilt a relationship with her eldest daughter that had been damaged by the actions and deceit of others.  The ties to her other children also grew stronger.  She knew they were adults and had to be allowed to succeed or fail on their own terms, but she nurtured them in ways she had never known before and they grew.

Her ties to the cancer community grew broad and strong.  She dedicated her time to helping others see cancer as a gift of awakening even if it might mean the curse of a shorter life.  Her goal was to help people to see that QUALITY trumps quantity and you get to choose the QUALITY of your actions and your life.  She lived that until the day she died.

She gave me so many gifts.  The gift I share with you today is the gift of seeing her fight and earn freedom.  She died in my arms a truly free woman.  I witnessed the Valkaries come and escort her soul to God.  It was a soul that departed at peace with herself and her life’s journey.  That is the definition of “Dying Free”.

She bore witness for me as to what true freedom means.  I pale in comparison to her example, but she has given me a metric to strive for.

When I die, I will die free.  In doing so, I will be free to join her and learn what TRUE freedom is.

 

 

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Article V

Folks, today is my favorite holiday. There are many reasons for it being my favorite, not the least of which is without it, the other ones would not exist the way they do.
 
America, the last great hope of freedom, protect her at her Constitutional best. Our Founding Fathers knew that a day would come when internal corruption would endanger the Republic they had created. They gave us guidance both in their writings and more importantly within the confines of the Constitution.
 
Thomas Jefferson- “The Tree of Liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants.”
 
Within the Constitution they gave a method for rebuking the corrosion we currently face. Article V clearly states a path to reign in an overbearing federal government. It clearly states a blood free method of returning rights to the states and stripping away the ossified layers of the deep state.
 
Madison assumed this safety valve would be used every 50-75 years. We are at least 160 years overdue in his mind.
 
My friends, there are people actively working to return America to her glory. Thirteen states have passed approval for Convention of States, which puts us 1/3 of the way there. http://www.marklevinshow.com/2015/06/11/the-dumbing-down-of-the-article-v-convention-of-the-states-constitutional-process/
 
Please read the article as a primer to do additional research, but understand regardless of your fears or your misgivings. This is the only way we escape further and further creep towards violent fratricide.
 
The Founding Fathers would long ago have taken direct action. Much like they began preparing material goods well before the actual Declaration of Independence on this august day in 1776, many of my fellow Americans have laid in significant stocks, just in case. We, the American Patriot are a freedom loving bunch, so much so that we refuse to live any other way. If Mr. Jefferson’s quote must be fulfilled in order to maintain that freedom, then so be it. But, we would greatly prefer to utilize the construct of Article V within the Constitution, proposed by George Mason and ratified by the rest of the Constitutional Convention.

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241 years

Two hundred and forty one years ago today the last of the signatories signed the Declaration of Independence.  Those brave men and women (non signatories but just as involved) started the greatest experiment in freedom this planet has ever seen.

This is by far my favorite holiday.  It is the day when mankind finally took a distinct step out of the millenia of poverty and misery to boldly proclaim the right to economic, religious and personal freedom from tyranny.  The right to pursue life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness….

We have come so far since then, and that is not in a good way.

I have a feeling today with be the last of my fun days for a while.  Much like our country, my life is not running on track currently.  Unlike, my country the problems in my personal life will resolve themselves.  I have a recently failed relationship that weighs heavily on my heart.  The anniversary of my marriage with Dawn is 17 days away and that weighs heavily as a reminder of opportunities lost.  The one year anniversary of my Earthly loss of my wife is 16 days after that.  I am dreading that in ways I can’t even consciously understand.

The good news is Independence Day is an amazing uplifting day for me, so it will help boost my spirits going into what will be a terribly vicious 30+ days.  But as they say, the things that don’t kill you, make you stronger.  So I am expecting to be one strong bastard in September.  Be forewarned… and if possible be a little forgiving of my more than usual gruffness and a bit of haunted in my eyes.

 

 

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