Category Archives: Uncategorized

A year ago today…

As I take a moment to breathe. My life, my love, my Dawn has left us for the richness of Heaven. My heart screams in triumphant joy at the thought of her meeting Jesus and sitting in the splendor of God’s Kingdom. I know she is being introduced to God’s Army by her Grandfather “Pop”. Her pain has been replaced 1000 fold with JOY. My heart and eyes overflow with tears.

In that same moment, I look into the mirror and see half my soul ripped asunder. That which was so deeply rooted is now gone. My soul cannot but scream for the loss of such an intimate connection. As it keens for the loss of its mate, a faint velvet warmth blossoms. An ethereal kiss I can’t quite touch, but tendrils of my wife caress me with hints of peace and exaltation.

My soul sighs. God has her and I have been given a final gift my love. It will take time, but I sense the faint wisps of the promise of PEACE.
Thank you Dawn Faust Bibby

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To die FREE

I have long stated that I will die free.  As a student of history, of the American Revolution, of the Founding Fathers, of libertarianism; it is not much of a stretch for me to state categorically that my plan is to die free.  In my pre-Dawn days, my statements regarding dying free simply meant: I would die on my feet rather than live on my knees.  My marriage with her expanded the meaning of dying free exponentially.

There are many ways to live which are not “free” some of those we choose of our own free will.  Marriage is a restriction on freedom.  Contractual obligations make you not free, like your mortgage or a job contract.  Hopefully, these restrictions, freely entered into are at worst an even trade of loss of freedom for gain of freedom.

I know in my marriage, the tethering of two souls certainly demanded that I not act in the same way I had when I was single.  On the other hand, it was a gestalt event that freed me of so many burdens and gave those remaining burdens, a second set of shoulders to carry them.  That was quite freeing in ways I am still discovering a year after her death.  In theory, all voluntary contracts that “restrict” freedom should net result actually increase freedom in this or a similar manner.

Some things that were rattling around in my head, jelled when I read this by Sarah Hoyt.

https://accordingtohoyt.com/2017/08/01/what-you-owe/

I also realized that Dawn died free.  It took cancer, a year with a counselor, a fair amount of work in our marriage and many other things to get her there.  Cancer forced her to accept her “tried and true” methods did not work and had brought her to a horrible place.  The year with the counselor helped her understand the mechanisms by which she paid dues that were not rightfully hers and helped her develop a method of discriminating between her legitimate duties and those wrongly demanded by others.

In our marriage, we both worked diligently to grow our love and to assume the obligations of the other.  In doing so, we helped each other be much freer.  It wasn’t always perfect.  We often made mistakes, but even those increased our bond as we learned it was ok to err.  The mistakes forced communication and owning the error, but in doing that, we learned and grew closer.  In seeing they were not catastrophic or love damaging, we became freer to risk more and deepen our love.  Deep love is freeing in ways you can only imagine if you have never been so blessed.

Dawn started out significantly less free than I.  Her childhood experiences, her first marriage led to the erosion of her self, her confidence and her love of self.  Her second marriage was hell on earth.  You can not be free with those burdens.  In her struggle out of the pit cancer created, she confronted each of those demons and battled them.  At first, she lost every battle, but gained knowledge and returned to the fight stronger.  Later she would best the foe, but still be forced to retreat.  By the time she was finished with her radiation treatments, she had won the war.  By then, she was a much freer person than I.  She was helping me to learn from her struggles and victories.  She was teaching me and anyone else who would listen, how to free the mind and soul from the bondage of life’s wrongly learned lessons.

She rebuilt a relationship with her eldest daughter that had been damaged by the actions and deceit of others.  The ties to her other children also grew stronger.  She knew they were adults and had to be allowed to succeed or fail on their own terms, but she nurtured them in ways she had never known before and they grew.

Her ties to the cancer community grew broad and strong.  She dedicated her time to helping others see cancer as a gift of awakening even if it might mean the curse of a shorter life.  Her goal was to help people to see that QUALITY trumps quantity and you get to choose the QUALITY of your actions and your life.  She lived that until the day she died.

She gave me so many gifts.  The gift I share with you today is the gift of seeing her fight and earn freedom.  She died in my arms a truly free woman.  I witnessed the Valkaries come and escort her soul to God.  It was a soul that departed at peace with herself and her life’s journey.  That is the definition of “Dying Free”.

She bore witness for me as to what true freedom means.  I pale in comparison to her example, but she has given me a metric to strive for.

When I die, I will die free.  In doing so, I will be free to join her and learn what TRUE freedom is.

 

 

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Article V

Folks, today is my favorite holiday. There are many reasons for it being my favorite, not the least of which is without it, the other ones would not exist the way they do.
 
America, the last great hope of freedom, protect her at her Constitutional best. Our Founding Fathers knew that a day would come when internal corruption would endanger the Republic they had created. They gave us guidance both in their writings and more importantly within the confines of the Constitution.
 
Thomas Jefferson- “The Tree of Liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants.”
 
Within the Constitution they gave a method for rebuking the corrosion we currently face. Article V clearly states a path to reign in an overbearing federal government. It clearly states a blood free method of returning rights to the states and stripping away the ossified layers of the deep state.
 
Madison assumed this safety valve would be used every 50-75 years. We are at least 160 years overdue in his mind.
 
My friends, there are people actively working to return America to her glory. Thirteen states have passed approval for Convention of States, which puts us 1/3 of the way there. http://www.marklevinshow.com/2015/06/11/the-dumbing-down-of-the-article-v-convention-of-the-states-constitutional-process/
 
Please read the article as a primer to do additional research, but understand regardless of your fears or your misgivings. This is the only way we escape further and further creep towards violent fratricide.
 
The Founding Fathers would long ago have taken direct action. Much like they began preparing material goods well before the actual Declaration of Independence on this august day in 1776, many of my fellow Americans have laid in significant stocks, just in case. We, the American Patriot are a freedom loving bunch, so much so that we refuse to live any other way. If Mr. Jefferson’s quote must be fulfilled in order to maintain that freedom, then so be it. But, we would greatly prefer to utilize the construct of Article V within the Constitution, proposed by George Mason and ratified by the rest of the Constitutional Convention.

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Minimum wage

 

http://www.cnbc.com/2017/06/27/carls-jr-slapped-with-1-point-45-million-fine-for-failing-to-pay-minimum-wage-in-l-a.html

I once had a company unfairly cheat me out of wages.  I filed with the Dept of Labor who did a bit of research and interviewed several other employees who also stated similar claims and provided appropriate documentation.

Our case took about six months to unwind and the company was found guilty of intentionally failing to pay properly.  They were given a a choice of making us whole plus a penalty paid to the government (approximately 50% plus investigation costs) and a penalty paid to the employees (approximately 50%) for time value of money.  The company was given the opportunity to appeal but if they lost the appeal the government penalty would increase and the compensation to the employee (in the case of loss of appeal) would grow to triplicate of damages.

The company wisely chose to issue a statement of no admission of guilt (they were guilty as hell) but pay the owed money plus penalties.  They made us come to the corporate office to pick up the checks as a method of attempted intimidation.  My check was for roughly $6500.  Some others had checks well over $20,000.  Not much intimidation keeping us from those checks.

My point is, that company willfully chose to rob their employees.  I personally was shorted roughly $4000.  In total, roughly $120,000 was shorted and the entire episode was cleared up for under $300,000.

Carl Jr on the other hand made a mistake of $5,400.  They paid the employees when the mistake was discovered, yet they get brutalized for $1.45 million.  So they get hammered for almost 270 times the mistake amount.  For a small business (which is much more likely to make such a mistake) that would likely cause the business to close it’s doors, especially one on the restaurant space.

The company that swindled myself and my co-workers out of overtime and some people out of minimum wage (must make at least minimum in every pay cycle even if on commission), paid a bit over double what they should have paid if they were honest.  The threat of it going to triple was effective and got us paid quickly.

California and LA are insane.  But you knew that already.

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http://www.baltimoresun.com/health/bs-hs-cancer-trigger-20170625-story.html

…why I get so furious when I allow my mind to wander through the door of malfeasance.

Two Doctors in Miami had the right approach.  Aizik Wolf and Beatriz Amendola.  Both of them saw our ability to fight cancer as being good but still pretty barbaric.  They both very actively spent money and time to stay on the forefront of their chosen areas as well as staying abreast on advances in other disciplines.  Their theory was, do whatever it takes to keep the patient alive and as healthy as possible SO THAT they can benefit from the new REVOLUTIONARY things that come every 5-8 years.

The above is a REVOLUTIONARY thing if it pans out.  Even if it only shows a third of its promise, that buys time for the next great unraveling.

Then their are self centered bastards who refuse to refer outside their own little petty fiefdom.  Those who hide behind “standard of care” so bringing a successful lawsuit is tough, even when you KNOW they did not act in the best interest of the patient.  When you KNOW they acted in the best interest of their AMG Mercedes payment.

Chemotherapy, one of the few drugs where the prescribing doctor profits on the drug prescribed, directly.  Something lie 40% of the cost of chemo is prescribing doctor profit.  HMMM.

I will stop here before my rant really gets going.  But know that I know.  Know that many other people are starting to know.  Know that God and Satan know.  One is shamed, the other is stoking coals for your soul.

 

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June 20, 2017 · 12:33

Specific dating advice

After I moved (fled) from the Peoples Republic of NY State, more specifically the City proper; someone gave me some dating advice.

Their advice was to never ever take advantage of the emotions of a single mom.  They meant, single moms have enough going on that they don’t need a man claiming love as a way to get them naked.  They meant not to use that form of emotional blackmail / shitbaggery to take what you want.  It hurts a woman who is most likely already hurting.  It further damages her child / children.  They meant to be overly cautious and overly considerate when dating these women.

I have never been the shitbaggery type, but it made me think a bit and I agreed with the advice.  I dated quite a few single mom’s after I relocated to Florida.  I always insisted on never meeting kids until such time as we were an actual thing.  It just seemed to me that the children should not meet a parade of men and I really didn’t want to bond with a kid only to have mom and I not bond well.  As you might imagine, most of the dates did not turn into much.  It’s the nature of dating.  You have to go on dates with lots of people to find a few who are compatible enough to really connect with.

In my search, I met a woman who had a 5 ish year old son.  We got along very well.  We dated for about 4 months before I met the son.  Once I did meet him, I liked him a lot. Things went along swimmingly for about another year.  But, as often happens in dating, that relationship grounded on a rocky shoal.

I then met another single mother.  Her son that lived with her was 15.  I met him after about 3 months as well.  He and I met accidentally, when his mother had me come over when she thought he would be gone.  I met his three siblings over time.  It worked out, well.  Her kids are now my “kids”.

I am providing that long preamble to set a tone.  There are things that honorable people do when dating as an adult.  There are things friends will clue you in to when dating divorced / single moms or dads.  There are things you as that mom or dad should do to insulate your children while you date.

Its funny, I never hear any such guidance in regards to widows or widowers.

The guidance should be fairly similar.

1.  Don’t meet the kids early on

2.  Don’t use the word “love” unless you really know / mean it

3.  Don’t make or discuss big future plans unless you mean it

4.  Don’t have huge swings in your emotional availability or make sudden (unilateral) changes to the relationship status

Widows and widowers (especially recent ones) are people who are much more vulnerable.  They are a bit more tender and a bit more desirous of an emotional bond.  They are much more likely to have difficulty building a bridge.  But, if they do,  it will be a significant thing to them.  This importance will exaggerate the consequences of the bond being leveraged, manipulated or broken.  This group of people will also tend to be less likely to see these things coming, which might well increase the import of the blow.

I have never lived the life of being a single parent.  I have lived the life of being a widower.  I have had a relationship of HUGE import to me, yanked out without warning.  In my case, she was a widow too.  Not nearly as recently, but still a widow.  It is my sincere belief that the people she dated after the death of her husband (as a general rule) did NOT follow the above (don’t be a dick) rules.  I think those interactions (among other things) led to her subconsciously not following them as well.

I bear her no ill will.  Quite the contrary.

Even before I became a widower, I didn’t bond often, but when I did… I bonded deeply.  The death of Dawn seems to have accentuated that dynamic.

I do bear the pain of compounded loss and especially the pain of  the 4th rule being broken soundly over my head.  I will survive.  But, I also know the easiest way for me to thrive, but at least for now… that path ends in a demolished bridge.

 

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Unilateral

One definition or at least aspect-

Love:      a unilateral decision to put the welfare of someone else in front of / above your own

Best when served bilaterally, but each must make the unilateral decision.

 

I have another thought on love.

True, real love does not die.  In the aspect I am talking about today, I do not refer to the death of the partner, rather… I am referring to the “falling out out love” syndrome.

The only way love can “die” even in that scenario, is if both people give up their unilateral decision.  I know this to be true from experience.  Dawn married someone else.  She worked consciously to kill off her love for me.  Loving me while married to someone else is not proper (among other things).

I had no such desire and had no such reason to do so.  I did not give up my love of her.  When her life crumbled around her, she needed help.  My unilateral decision had wavered, but it still stood.  That was the bridge that allowed communication.

A few weeks after we began talking again, I was driving her to an appointment and we had the radio on as background noise.

This song came on.

 

She lost it.  So did I.  That was the true beginning or our walk back into the bright light of LOVE.

Don’t let your love get to this place.  But, if it does.  If there is breath, there is hope.  If there is hope, there is love.  If there is love, the entire world can be moved.  My world moved that day.  My hope is it will move again that way.

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