A friend posted something about this time of year being tough because it focuses his feelings of loss.
In this case, love translates to loss. Loss translates to grief. Grief translates to anger. Anger corrupts the love.
Trust me I know the cycle. Interrupting the cycle is always temporary. It is a battle we must always face. In facing it and winning a temporary victory with the full knowledge we will face that battle again — we honor our love and the person we love.
Some days the victory is easy. Some days we barely win. Some days it is a draw. Some days we lose, temporarily. But, if we are careful and pay attention; we gain knowledge each time we battle that foe. In time, we should learn his methods and the battles should become easier to win and less often fought.
There are times when we are weak, slow or surprised and the battle looks lost. It is not. The enemy is just attacking our weakness. Our strength will return and we will win. Just not this day.
My belief structure tells me the MOST IMPORTANT thing is to meet her in heaven. I can not do that if I take the easy way out. So that is off limits, not that I want to.
Rejoice my friend, grief is just love that has to endure separation. Eventually, that separation will end and you will experience the truth of love being eternal.
Damn, I made myself cry.
In my case, this also applies to another, not just Dawn. In that situation it is actually a little more difficult to wrestle with. In my loss with Dawn, I know that if given the slightest choice she would still be here with me. In the last year we spent together, we often discussed the “why”. Or biggest question was “why did God grant us such a wonderful partnership only to make it such a short one”.
She answered that question before she died. She told me that God needed her to join his heavenly army and God needed me to do things on earth that I couldn’t do while sharing a marriage with her. That struck me like a bag full of hammers dropped from high altitude. I have still not recovered or parsed out the actual meaning of that. But she believed it, deeply. So I work towards living it.
First do no harm.
In the situation with the amazing woman I fell in love with after Dawn’s death, she CHOSE to leave. In leaving, she asked me not to pursue as “I was scaring her”. Her husband was murdered by her stalker… that kind of precludes — well any chance of us working through or even me really figuring out what happened.
I get the part about lonely
the part about angry
the part about overwhelming loss
the part about just wishing the pain would end
the part about seeing new beginnings as a new introduction to ashes falling through my hands
the part about choosing to end the fight, by permanently idling my own hands.
But that is not how this works. Succumbing to any of those fully, just gives victory to depression, anger, hate. Giving in to these recriminations confirms only one thing. It confirms the devil’s contention that love is finite. It confirms (and not just for me), that pain is the victor and love can be conquered.
For the Love of Dawn, Nikki and all who have witnessed the shining moments of love that have surrounded me. I fight on. I don’t always win the battles and recently there have been many battles in my head and my heart. Even the battles I lose are wins of experience and some day… Probably only a few days before my death, I will WIN. That win will be conclusive and in doing so, I will earn the right… the right to be free and to truly experience LOVE without any ballast.
Until then, I CHOOSE this fight.
Perhaps, this is the wisdom Dawn saw.