Six Months

For those of you who read this blog (both of you); you know, that I had a relationship  evaporate 6 months ago.  That confounded me and I was given no real reason or closure which tormented me for a month or so, then I gradually worked my way past the recriminations.

My self preservation instinct and sanity usually are pretty good at putting things into perspective and after a point, will stop chewing on the bone.  I mean at some point, all of the bone has been explored and without any new meat, what is the point.

A few days ago, that was ripped open and I realized that I had buried the bone; but apparently only under a very carelessly secured tarp.

A well meaning friend and I went out to lunch.  He and I have regular discussions on personal topics and I know the details of several important things that are going on in his life.  When he mentioned he had some news, I assumed it meant on one of those topics.  He did not.  Before I knew it, that tarp had been ripped away and there was new meat on the bone.  DAMN.

Isn’t life grand.  We will say that tidbit primed the pump.  It certainly brought some raw emotions to the surface.

A few days later, I was working on my Amazon business.  When I am doing the rather mindless aspects of that, I usually listen to Mark Levin podcasts or if I am up to date on those, I will listen to others.  I was all caught up on the normal rotation, so I googled for some items that would play in sort of a jukebox manner.  The various people talked in the background for an hour or so as I did my work.  Much of it was just background noise with it occasionally catching of my attention.  Then my fight or flight reaction kicked in at about 35%.  My fore brain struggled to catch up and isolate the threat.  After a quick glance around the room, voices caught my attention and it sort of sounded like they were approaching my front door.  I focused my attention there; only to realize, the third voice was hers, HERS.

Panic reaction now at 85%.  How can she be at my door?  This isn’t the house she knows.   I blink rapidly, realize no one is at the door.  Then it becomes obvious the voices are coming from my laptop.  I turn in shock and realize, somehow I have tripped over an interview she did on NRA TV.  My stomach has dropped into my intestines.

I sit down horrified and transfixed.  I watch the interview.  She looks good if a little uncomfortable about being complimented on her appearance.  I am biased, but she is gorgeous.  My brain is chiding me for watching the video, it is also screaming you promised you wouldn’t.  My brain is fractured in so many directions.

I should note that I have intentionally NOT made any attempt to research her, any attempt to figure out why or where she moved to.  The last knowledge I had, was the sale of her house a few weeks after breaking up with me.  She made it clear she wanted a “clean break”, whatever that means and that my knowledge of the sale of the house scared her.  I vowed to honor her wishes and have for many months.

Don’t take that as some altruistic gift on my part.  I took the Mike Pence approach.  It is much easier to resist temptation, if there is no temptation.  Also, considering her horrific experience in the past with a FULL ON STALKER / MURDERER, I wanted ZERO hints, suggestions, possibilities that I might be seen in any way, shape or form –like that.

Now my mind is telling me, I have broken that vow.  My brain is yelling at me that I am in possession of forbidden knowledge. If I am it is through no fault of my own and there is no forbidden knowledge.

I am not normally a person who has a distinct fight or flight reaction.  Certainly not one that overrides my thinking brain.  I cannot think of the last time I had a panic reaction.  After the initial surprise, the reaction tempered; but it lasted a full 45 minutes if you include the post adrenaline dump jitters.  I have drawn down on a would be assailant and recovered my equilibrium faster.

To say the least, there are some unresolved issues in my head with the loss of this relationship.  But this happening is a good thing.  I have never been one to intentionally avoid an unresolved issue.  My normal method is that of an emotional Kamikaze.  With this new information, that I didn’t want… with the knowledge that I didn’t deal with this properly the first time… with the knowledge that I still have intense emotions.  I am armed to deal with things properly this go round.

In all likelihood, I will not come to any real peace with the decision.  It was not my decision.  I will likely not be any happier with the outcome, but I can become more accepting to the reality.  Even if that reality is that I still love her, but love requires two consenting parties… and well.

It also showed me that in a community as small as the junction of the Liberty and Gun communities (especially when one of the people has a moderate level of public exposure) there will be intersection.  That may never lead to interaction, which might well be a good thing.  But I need to be prepared and aware of the possibility and certainly need to react better than I did to the surprise of her appearance on my laptop.

It also showed me that if MY reaction is that overwhelming, considering her past experience…I must be extra super cognizant of what her reaction might be.

The “First, do no harm” rule applies.

This sucks on many levels.

Embrace the suck.  That which does not kill you makes you stronger … and all that stuff.

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