I have been doing a lot of thinking over the past month or so. As any of you have read my other blog posts have noticed, I recently lost a great woman and a relationship with so much potential. I am an introspective person, sometimes not in the moment, but I always perform a DEEP after action report when things blow up in my face.
In this delve internal I have been bouncing against a flexible wall. It hasn’t been something I have really been able to grapple with. The texture and give made analysis difficult, which made me work more diligently at figuring out what I was encountering. My struggles just seemed to make this particular item even more nebulous.
I think I have figured out my perplexity. In my mind, I was running into the dichotomy of LOVE vs attachment. That little part of my brain that is crafty when my upper brain is trying to rationalize things was throwing out a caution flag. That part of my brain isn’t rational, rather it is an emotional player. Sometimes it is tragically wrong, but when I listen to it, a good internal conversation always evolves. It helps me to get perspective.
What that part of my hind brain has been showing me is that I may be attached to my most recent girlfriend more than I was in love. That came as a shock to me. It struck me and derailed all my thought patterns for an entire day. I had to sift through “attachment”. I had to step back and investigate.
I should explain attachment.
Attachment differs from love in subtle but extremely important ways. Attachment is a needful compulsion. This is where you need the connection to the other person. The connection is more important than the feelings or desires of the other party. Jealousy and rage are often the by product of the slightest errors with an attached person. Loss of the relationship is terrifying in this case as there is no independence or desire for such.
In contrast, love is a freely given association of two people who CHOOSE to share deeply. They are happy and encourage the independent fulfillment of each other’s desires and dreams. They absolve one another of the small errors in life and find them as opportunities for deeper communication.
Love tends to endure, as it is an open expression of willing sharing between equals. Love is forgiving and reinforces the good, it acts to build and strengthen.
Attachment stems from a situation of lack. It is guarded and jealous, perceives all others as potential threats and reinforces the negatives which continually degrades and weakens the relationship. It begins and by its very nature must end in self reinforcing pain.
I have been in both situations. I know that sometimes one party is attached and the other party loves. This is probably the worst scenario as a cycle of vampirism runs its course with both lefts sucked dry.
One can never be certain of the situation on the other side, the motivations of the other party. But, I have grappled with this notion from my hind brain and I know that I was working from a position of love and I think she was too, but several things including fear got in the way. The great thing about love — it never dies. Never. With breath there is life. With life there is hope. With hope there is love. When there is love, all things are possible. ALL THINGS.