a cruel mistress

Sometimes life is a cruel mistress.

The great thing on the side of life is that she knows we don’t have much of  a choice.  She is the one place where we really don’t have many options.  Yes, I get it; suicide is always an answer.  But, that is at BEST a very selfish, permanent answer to a short term problem.

On the other hand, each time a door is closed (slammed abruptly in your face), the fickle other hand of life seems to open another one up.  It is WAY too soon for me to be seeing any new doors, much less opening them.  Finality, like an ax, fell a mere six hours ago.

Today, I mourn the double morning that it seems widowers (and widows) do.  Tomorrow, I see what comes.  Most likely it is a cocktail of regret, loneliness, work to focus on something (anything else).  One thing I know it has not provided, is a restful night’s sleep.  My mind doesn’t work that way.  But, in time… things will get better.  Edges will get a lot less pointy and I will once again find that expression that graces my face so infrequently anyway.  A smile.

I hate life, for bringing me a great woman and the illusion my head was screwed on straight.  I hate that I had to learn / relearn lessons with someone who should have been a partner.  I hate that her experiences add up to a place where second chances and grace have been abused so often, they no longer exist.  I hate that I get to cowboy up a little too late.

I also realize, stupid has a penalty.  I do not happily pay that fee, but when you do the “crime” you do the time.  My hurt is my penalty.  She should not pay a penalty for my degree of stupid.  Perhaps she isn’t.  Perhaps it is her share of the stupid, as we both were complicit.  But that isn’t how I roll.

Perhaps she will learn good lessons from this failure.  I know I am working diligently to learn the right lessons.  The glaringly obvious are: I need to pay more attention to subtle clues of discomfort as more truth lies in the points of friction then in the agreements.  Focus on the areas where I am weak, not focus on the areas where I know I am strong because they are easy and hopefully will draw attention away from the weak points.

I have failed a wonderful woman.  I have failed the charge of my late wife.  But, mostly I have failed myself.  But as they say, the true difference between a good man and a great man is not how many times he failed; rather that he got back up and DID one more time then he failed.  I am not up yet, but I am working on it and I will get there.  In the mean time.  Smile a little bit extra for me.  I could use a bit of the contagious expression.


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