Does anyone else ever wake up in the morning knowing that something is missing?
In my case, I know some of the things that are missing. What I don’t know is why it is so much more acute this morning then it was last night. Did I dream and the unremembered echos of those dreams are still tugging at my conscience?
Perhaps it was the letter I read last night. Dawn arranged for a kayaking trip for me in Colorado. She had done the trip a few months before. The people running the trip brought cancer patients to the mountains of Colorado for kayaking trips as a way to help them have fun and conquer physical challenges they might not think they could. They also built a sense of community with others who faced similar challenges. I was brought out to an event set up to give back to those of us who were caregivers for those survivors.
Part of the process was having the loved ones of the survivor, (in my case) the care giver write heartfelt letters explaining the importance of them in the life of the writer. Last night I re-read the letter Dawn wrote to me. It was a powerful letter. It very graphically told me of her love and why she felt so blessed to have me walk with her in the cancer fight as well as joining her in marriage. I cried.
It also charged me to again find that person in myself and express that in my life.
In my last post, I shared that I have not been my best with a wonderful person who entered my life. Encountering Dawn’s letter smacked me in the face. At first I wanted to share that letter with my now ex-girlfriend, then I realized I shouldn’t be sharing the letter; but rather should have been living that letter daily in my life. Not just with her, but with many more people who I have the privilege to meet in this very short life.
Every once in a while, we have to face errors in our life. Every once in a while, I know how much Dawn still loves me. Every once in a while, I end up thanking Dawn and apologizing to her in the same moment. Last night was one of those nights.
She charged me to “find some woman and make her almost as happy as you made me”. I found that woman and quite simply didn’t do as she charged me to do.
I needed that smack in the face. Perhaps, that lovely woman and I can use this current tension as a teachable moment. I know I have been learning and re-learning things I should have already mastered. It is painful, but no thing worth accomplishing has ever been easy. Not to mention, I am the living example of if you are going to be stupid, you better be tough.