An appropriate topic for today 14 Feb 2017.
Some say it is better to have loved and lost, then to have never loved at all. Those people are completely right, but not necessarily for the reason they think.
I loved. I loved as completely as I know how. It is not my purpose here to self-aggrandize and list off the ways I loved my wife. If, for no other reason than; my love of her paled in comparison to her love of me. My point is that once you have experienced LOVE you can’t unexperience it. You are forever marked with the knowledge of what LOVE really means. This is an indelible mark whose mere presence is a stinging reminder of greatness missing.
I lost. I loved Dawn with all my mortal being was capable of. She was a much greater being and she loved me so much more, in every way.
Part of that is she had faced the demons. She had seen up close and personal what NOT LOVE was. She knew the searing pain of being told by a spouse that he would rather end her life than spend any more time with her. She was given physical evidence of that desire being true. She was forced to abandon everything in order to live.
In me she found shelter, strength when she did not have any. She found an opportunity to heal. During that process, she also found my poor attempts at expressing love and nurtured them. We grew in love together. She grew physically, spiritually and I watched her love of herself and of me blossom. Each day brought new facets to that unfolding. If I had not already been in love with her, witnessing that explosion of energy, faith and hope would have certainly inspired love. Seeing as it was already there, it cemented our relationship.
This is what I lost in August. I did not lose Dawn. True intertwined love is eternal. What I lost was the ability to witness that love in action. What I lost was reaffirmation on a daily basis. For a Doubting Thomas like me, that is indeed a loss.
Do not get me wrong. I would not change the nine years of knowing Dawn for anything. I would not change the 6.5 years we were joined at the hip. I would not change the 4 years we were married. I would not change gaining 4 kids and a daughter in law. My only selfish change, would be that I had met her sooner and that we had begun our adventure in 1997 instead of 2007. But I realize that in doing so, we would not have developed the love we did. We both needed to experience the bad to APPRECIATE the good, we eventually made of it.
My love for Dawn still grows. I am still unraveling life clues she shared with me. On the days when one of her nuggets of wisdom unwinds in my brain, I have another burst of reaffirmation of our love. A reaffirmation, that helps this Doubting Thomas to love again. I am slowly realizing this is not LOSS, it is only a separation. We endured separation and later thrived. I look forward to the ending of this separation and the rejoining in what can only be purity of love.