Building on my idea from the other day. … … … “One must find the reason to love oneself. Only then can another’s love for you be truly appreciated. Otherwise, their love has no context for you.”
I had loved prior to meeting Dawn Faust Bibby. In my journey with her, I discovered I had never loved completely. That was partially of my own doing and partially the doing of my partner/s. Until the partner can truly accept love, you cannot truly love them.
Prior to cancer, Dawn was not able to accept my love. She directly admitted that. She had a bad script in her head that told her, she didn’t deserve love unless it had conditions. That was a function of her emotionally neglectful childhood experiences. When confronted with giving love, she recoiled as not worthy / unable to process it. She knew she wanted it, but it felt wrong and she felt she didn’t deserve it.
I gave love. It was not unconditional, but it was a giving / forgiving love and one where my goal was to be closer and for us to be better together. I saw love as a joining and a method of being additive from both sides. I did not have tons of examples of this in my life, but I certainly did not suffer from active neglect, so my patterning was not nearly as skewed. Dawn saw love as something she gave but should not expect to receive. My giving weirded her out.
With the explosion of her second marriage and her cancer diagnosis, she hit rock bottom and was forced to rebuild. Dawn embarked on a journey of self healing. Part of that rebuilding process was to figure out the how and the why of her giving love to narcissistic men and running headlong away from nurturing ones. It took a while, lots of work and emotional pain; but, she put the pieces together as we rebuilt our relationship. One day and one layer of understanding at a time, she learned how to receive and accept love. In doing so, she also learned how to give love so much more purely.
I started our relationship as the one who was more capable of giving and receiving love. When she died, that was no longer even close to the case. She LEARNED the lesson. She schooled me on being better. She radiated love for all to see. She was the one who drew people to her. She was the flame, we were the moths. People could sense the unconditional acceptance she had. I just marveled in the transformation and the glory of being a part of the process, not to mention the recipient of most of the new found joy of LOVE.
I do not write this to cloak myself in glory. I was but a key. Dawn was the transformation. Dawn was the true light (and still is if you will still yourself long enough to feel her). I am writing this as a hint, as a piece of a key. If you see yourself in the position Dawn found herself in pre-cancer or post marriage disaster or anywhere along the “not love” continuum, there is a way out. Love is inside of you. Love knows how to come out. You are the one stifling it.
Your job is to find ways to let it out. That requires you to find ways to STOP shutting it down, to find ways to stop yourself from trapping it inside or turning it away. Let the vampires go. Those who take your love and make you feel bad for not giving more are exactly that; vampires, keeping you and your love as feed stock for their emotional needs. They have no concern for you other than as a source for fulfilling their needs.
Please also understand that years of you being part vampire with your loved one may also be the case. An HONEST evaluation of the relationship may be in order. Quite often, you will find a co-dependency of vampirism. If that is the case, first work on you. It may well fix most of the vampirism from the other party. If not, gently nudge them and help (by example) them to be better. I think by now, you also know what to do if they become more vampiric.
Trust me, once you have experienced love in its TRUE form. You will never accept the pale imitation again.